R2's Parasitic Infestation

I was going to stay out of it, but then I thought, as a lifetime Lightning fan, I have to comment on this. It's pretty far out.

Evgeni Artyukhin is awesome. Mark Gandler is — and let this point be made in no uncertain terms and so clear as to verge on invisibility — a parasite.

I don't know why I'm constantly amazed at an agent's ability to make a player appear to be an incompetent asshole. And yet.

For those needing background information, Artyukhin is a Lightning enforcer. He brings an excellent presence to the ice. Not irreplaceable, but important enough to want to keep. After the lockout, Arty ended up signing with a team in Russia instead of the Lightning. He wanted that experience.

Meanwhile his agent — the illustrious Gandler — is working Lightning GM Jay Feaster like a street corner at 2 in the morning. Now I may be talking of turn here, what with not being an NHL power broker, but after a single season's worth of NHL experience, there's no possible way Artyukhin is worth a $1 million contract — yet. The amount asked for by the parasite agent.

Whatever. I'm not going to go on record saying that Artyukhin is a nitwit, but let's face it, he's new to this country. If some well-dressed, smarmy, fast-talking asshole (I'll ease up on the adjectives) tells him he can get more money, the guy is going to listen. Who wouldn't? But Jesus Christ. Let the guy put together a little more experience with the team already.

This spring, Arty gets the year in Russia out of his system and is ready to return to the Bolts. Feaster is happy with this and offers a one-way contract valued at $475,000 for a single season. In a heartbeat, I'd take it. But then, I'm a broke television production "specialist."

Everything seems fine until suddenly, no, he won't accept that deal. I know that sports agents serve a purpose. But this one isn't serving his! He's supposed to be looking out for his client! Feaster's not going to trade him and he's not going to get anywhere near $475,000 in Russia, so what is Gandler expecting to do for the next two years?

I really feel bad for Artyukhin. That is, assuming this really is all the agent. I don't know Arty but he doesn't seem like the type. Yes, lots of people like money and we generally tend to prefer players who love the game over the coin, but let's face it, we don't spend millions of dollars on players because we like to.

Okay, I feel like I've said my peace. If you want someone else's take, I like how John over at Boltsmag reminds Mark Gandler in his post that he is in fact not Ari Gold. (Good show, by the way.)